The Modern Scourge of Society

A predator lurks in our midst.  It will carry our society to hell in a hand basket if we stay on our present course.  And what, may you ask, is eroding our society?  Poor education?  Greedy politicians/corporations?  Greenhouse gases?  No.  The biggest issue we must tackle, right here and now, is the Bikini Barista.

(For those of you who live in areas where coffee isn't taken so seriously, the Bikini Barista is a woman working in a tiny drive-thru espresso stand, and she wears a bikini while working.  According to local governments, this is THE most important issue to tackle.  Sumner even passed an ordinance restricting these establishments, and there aren't any in that town yet.  Oh, and the barista is wearing a bikini or lingerie.  She isn't naked; that would be unsanitary.)

Since I find this both ridiculous and I am teaching 102 this quarter (Argument and Persuasion), let's analyze the two core arguments from those against Bikini Baristas.  (And, for the record, I am not fabricating any of this.)

1.  Bikini Barista stands attract a criminal element.  Seriously?  What criminals wake at 6 a.m. (other than white-collar ones)?  I've heard this same argument against strip clubs and porn shops.  If this is the logic, that the presence of scantily-clad women brings criminals into the open, then beaches need to be shut down, too.  And public pools.  And Victoria's Secret.

2.  Won't someone please think of the children?!?  Sheesh.  Whenever I hear this non-argument, I think, "Not enough real evidence against it, huh?"  Let me walk you through it.  The espresso stands are tiny buildings with small-ish windows where the ladies pass coffee drinks to the customer and take the cash.  The women are not working in glass boxes.  You have to get close to see the ladies.  You may catch a glimpse while driving by, but you should really be paying attention to the road since traffic sucks in these parts.  Plus, these stands are conveniently titled "Hot-Chicks-a-Latte" and "Bikini Bottom Bistro" so one would know what is offered with a cup of joe.  So, I have this question for the uptight ladies against bikini baristas.  Why are you taking your impressionable children to this type of espresso stand?  One can't swing a dead cat in this area without hitting an espresso stand, so why don't you drive another 500 feet to give your business to another place?  Plus, aren't you teaching your children irresponsible fiscal behavior by purchasing a $5 latte every morning?

Personally, I have never gone to one of these places, mostly because I don't drink coffee.  But, if I did drink coffee, I still wouldn't go.  Why?  I feel bad enough about my body as it is; I don't need a young buxom thing serving me my addiction.  But, I'm not against the stands.  If a person wants his/her cup of coffee served by a young buxom thing, all the more power to him/her.  If oogling some girl's jiggly parts on the way to work gives him/her a little pick-me-up, who is it really harming?  Businesses need to do something in this economy to differentiate.