Keeping calm

I've been in crisis/survival mode for a while now.  I just need to make it through this week.  I just need to make it past this event.  I just need to.  I just need to. 

The problem with this approach to life and work is thus. There's always going to be something.  There's always a new deadline.  There's always some new form of stress.  I have been sick from the first of October because I am in this perpetual state of panic and stress.  With the business becoming more successful, more deadlines and commitments and organization will be required.  The boys are getting older, and with their maturity comes more commitments and homework and appointments.  The to-do lists are never going to be completed.  Emergencies are going to disrupt life at the most inconvenient time. 

And then, Tuesday happened.

I hadn't slept, worried about my dermatology appointment, and plagued by bad dreams about the business when I did manage to sleep.  My sitter fell through for a work appointment.  My emotions were already so raw; I fought back tears during Morning Care.  (The kindergartners didn't need to see me blubbering.)  I tried not to cry while talking to my mother, who called me and graciously volunteered to be my sitter replacement.  I tried not to cry during my appointment. (I'm trying not to cry as I write this.)  I did cry during the biopsy, but that was because of the local.  (Why does the numbing agent hurt so damn much?) The suspicious spot is on the back of my left leg, a spot that hasn't seen daylight in years.  How did it end up there?  I was blase during the other biopsies; those locations made sense.   This one doesn't.   Where is the next one going to crop up?  How many more will sprout in sunless areas like mushrooms? Will this one be cancerous, too? I spent the rest of the day in physical pain.  I barely made it through my class.  I concluded class early to make the long and painful walk to my car.  I winced every time I engaged the clutch, driving the Mustang to pick up the boys from school.  I didn't sleep again, a combination of pain, stress, and bad dreams.

I took some time to myself on Wednesday, to process current events.   Like I stated before, this shit is still going to happen, whether I'm prepared or not.  It's never going away.  It's time for me to stop thinking in constant crisis mode.  I need to look long range.  I need to prepare earlier.  My lifetime of procrastination has bitten me in the ass too many times.   It's time for me to grow up and take charge of my outlook and circumstances.  I'm going to be 40 in two months, for God's sake.  Because even when I was in pain, I had to little boys curled up on my bed with me, keeping me company, and a husband taking care of business by taking on a teaching role solo (when he isn't comfortable doing so).  I'm pretty damn lucky, and it's time for me to keep calm.