F*** cancer

I didn't sleep last night, nor am I sleeping now.  I should be.  I'm exhausted.  No such luck.  Why am I not sleeping?  Last night, I called a dear friend.  "How are you?"  "Fine.  You?"  "Fine."  Pause.  Long pause.  I finally said, "Well, neither of us is really convincing.  Spill."  He told me that on Mother's Day, he took his mom to the hospital because she was in great pain.  After all the tests were run and scans were made, it turns out she has small cell lung cancer.  My grandmother died last year from small cell cancer.  It's a rare form and the odds aren't very favorable.   Two of the most important men in my life have lost their mothers to cancer, and now there's a third.  I'm grief stricken, even though she isn't my mother.  The pain he will feel makes my heart hurt for him.  I'm angry at the medical community.  It can concoct how many different erectile dysfunction medications, but it can't gain any ground on fighting cancer?  I'm frustrated at marketing.  I think we are all aware of cancer now.  Let's funnel some of that money toward research instead of awareness.  And, I feel guilty.  I'm not there to help him.  Phone calls aren't the same as physical presence.  Then, I feel selfish for these feelings and return to grief.

Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.